When we pretend to be happy and shove our feelings under the rug, we give them the opportunity to come back up again in an ugly uprising.
This post was inspired by a quote I read on IG from @sunnybloominspiration and it resonated so much with me. I was dealing with some circumstances at that very time that made this post sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a ‘wow’ moment for me, a true eye-opener.
It made me think about some of the many times I have suppressed how I felt and did something that I didn’t really want to, or want to be involved in. I did it each time because I felt it was the right thing to do.
Do you ever feel that way?
My hope is that this post will resonate with you and help you to see that pretending to be happy or suppressing your feelings to benefit others is never a good idea. After some soul searching and lots of journaling, I wanted to share with you a few of the ugly results that come with pretending.
You Give Up a Part of Yourself
As wild as it feels typing this, I thought pretending to be happy was just the right thing to do. I think we as women as naturally caretakers and we want what’s best for others – even if it costs us something.
By cost, I don’t necessarily mean financial cost though sometimes this can come into play during particular situations.
More often the cost can look something like:
- Peace of mind
- Your time
- Sacrificing plans you already had made
- Your energy
When I dug deep, these were some of the things that popped out to me. In exchange for what someone wanted from me, I was reluctantly giving away my sanity.
I felt stressed and overwhelmed. My time was more precious than I gave credit, and any plans that I originally made were tossed aside. I felt as though I was zapped of any energy I had, but yet I continued to do whatever it was that was asked of me.
It Creates a Vicious Cycle
While it may seem like doing this a time or two is virtually harmless, it almost always turns into a vicious cycle. If you can pretend to be happy once, you can do it again.
Before you know it, you’re in a constant state of people-pleasing and pretending you’re okay. This allows you to be taken advantage of by those you are so desperately trying to keep happy and creates a toxic relationship/environment to be in.
Eventually you will realize what is happening, but it is possible to be so deep in it that you feel like you’re stuck in this cycle. The truth is that we are never really stuck and we can always choose to end the cycle. Unfortunately, it just feels more difficult to do so the longer it continues.
Grudges Are Inevitable
When you pretend you’re happy to please someone else (where are my fellow people pleasers?), grudges are inevitable. Bitterness is inevitable.
When I was drafting this for the first time, I had a hard time using the word ‘grudge.’ Even my faith tells me that I should never hold a grudge. I don’t like to think of myself even possibly holding one.
But then I dug a little deeper and realized I’m still holding onto some icky, harsh feelings for people that I’ve tried to make happy my entire life. While I don’t like to think of that as a grudge, it pretty much is just that. Grudges and feeling bitter against others is never helpful and it only hurts us. They are both extremely unhealthy.
Unfortunately the longer we toss aside our own feelings and thoughts, the more they fester and turn into something we never imagined.
After exploring the ugly results of pretending to be happy, it is even more evident that creating and sustaining healthy boundaries is vital.
I have become better over the years at creating healthy boundaries with toxic relationships, but I still have to become a whole lot better at sustaining them. As long as those toxic people are in your life, it will always be your job to keep those boundaries intact.
You can’t rely on the other person to suddenly realize that they’re wrong and to stop the cycle – you must stop the cycle.
I hope that this post resonated with you today, and I hope that it wasn’t too heavy. This was on my heart and I felt like it needed to write it and share it with you. Let me know what you think in the comments!
Let’s Chat!
Do you struggle with creating healthy boundaries?
Have you ever pretended to be happy?
Any tips for those feeling stuck in a vicious cycle of people-pleasing?
This is such a great post! And it’s true! Pretending to be happy will only make you more miserable.
Thank you so much, Laura! You’re absolutely right.
I agree with this so much! We all need to take time to really process our feelings so we can move past them. Acting happy doesn’t work all the time. Thanks for sharing this topic – so helpful especially during this time.
xoxo,
Christine
https://dailykongfidence.com/
Thank you so much, Christine! ❤️ We definitely do, it makes all the difference.
Thank you for this honest post! By pretending to be happy, one could be negatively affecting their own mental health as well as their relationships.
xoxo
Lovely
http://www.mynameislovely.com
Aww, thank you for reading, Lovely! You are absolutely correct, it can be a very bad domino effect.
This is a heavy post but it is truth. I didn’t learn this lesson until I got into my 40’s. We all must sit in the pain to learn and to not transit it to others. I appreciate you sharing this.
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
Thank you, my friend. I appreciate you reading it and always being so supportive! I agree with you, it is very difficult to work through the pain, but so necessary for us to grow and move forward in the most positive way possible.
I love how honest and true this post is! This is something I definitely need to work on.
Jennifer
Curated By Jennifer
So happy this post resonated with you, my friend! I can completely relate, working on this every single day.
This a great post, Ashley! I agree; as women, we try to be the nurturers and put everyone’s needs before our own, but that eventually backfires. The vicious cycle really resonated with me as I was stuck in it for many years, desperately trying to keep “the peace” while shattering my own inner peace. It was so hard to break from it, but when I finally did, it was truly the best decision in my life, and I am so much happier for it. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much, my dear friend! You said it so well, it does eventually backfire and can have such long-lasting impacts. I can relate with that experience, and while I don’t think I’ve found myself completely on the other side just yet, I know the better I get at holding those healthy boundaries in place, the happier I’ll be.
Agree to this! Pretending to be happy has more negative impact!
http://www.rdsobsessions.com
Aww, thanks so much Rach! It truly does.
Such a deep and true post! Especially during these times, I think many of us have had to grow and learn so much one way or the other. Takeaways like this help to face the reality and start to really overcome it.
XX Angelica
https://eraenvogue.com
Thank you, Angelica! I completely agree with you. Last year and even the way this year has started out, has brought so many difficult and new challenges to each of us in conjunction with things we were already dealing with.
I love this post- it’s such an important message, especially when so many of us “just grin and bear it” a lot of the time. I think feeling your feelings and being honest about them is a great way to work through them! 🙂
-Ashley
Le Stylo Rouge
So happy you loved it, Ashley! You’re so right, that is what I think most of us try to do. Sadly it can just lead to so many difficult consequences that we don’t quite see coming in the beginning.
Such a strong message into this post. And I totally agree with you. This is not healthy to pretend everything’s right when it’s not especially if it’s just to please people around.
Thanks you for sharing.
xx
Margot
https://troughthepasturesofthesky.com
So happy this post resonated with you, Margot! Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate you! 🙂
Oooo I completely agree with this. This is such an interesting topic! I definitely feel like women do take on a natural caretaking role so much so that we often don’t take care of ourselves because we are so busy taking care of others. Being in touch with our feelings and letting others know how we really feel is so important!
Jill
https://jilliancecilia.com/
Yes, I love what you said Jill! Being in touch with our feelings is super important and if we are listening, it will help us avoid these types of situations.
Oh gosh this is SO true!!!
Totally agree with this!!
Thanks for this important post. It´s a great reminder <3
have an awesome weekend Ashley,
Tiziana
http://www.tizianaolbrich.de
I’m so happy this post resonated with you, Tiziana! I appreciate you and hope that you have a wonderful weekend! 🙂
That is very bad and look like a running from problems. I always think why I’m not happy, what is result for that and what I can change. Sometimes is ok to admit that we are not happy, but tomorrow is next day and I feel better.
New Post – https://www.exclusivebeautydiary.com/2021/03/clarins-lip-comfort-oil-04-candy.html
You raise a good point. It certainly does lead us to avoiding our problems or shoving them aside temporarily. I think it’s great that you pay attention to how you’re feeling and why, that’s so important and helps you to avoid having any of these types of issues.
I also agree, tomorrow is a new day and often things get better much more quickly than we expect. 🙂
So true! We can’t expect anyone to know how we really feel about things if we lie about the way we are feeling – it’s not a good way to build a relationship and it’s not a good way to honour ourselves. We need to be honest with what we want in life and what makes us happy so we aren’t suffering unnecessarily!
Hope you’re having a good weekend 🙂 It’s a relaxing and quiet one here.
That’s a very good point, Mica. Without realizing it, we can self-sabotage good relationships while sometimes falling into the bad ones. I completely agree, we cause ourselves a ton of unnecessary suffering throughout the process.
My weekend went well! 🙂 I relaxed on Saturday and got some things done around the house yesterday after church. I’m so happy you had a relaxing one!
I am totally guilty of this because I like people to see me happy. No one wants to be around someone who is draining, so there were definitely a few years that I pretended to be happy a lot when in reality I was really hurting.
http://www.fashionradi.com
I can truly relate to how you have felt in the past. I think from my experience, I was actually short-changing the people around me. I thought they wouldn’t want to know how I felt or what I was going through, but I was really surprised to find out some of them really did (that I opened up to).
Such a great post, very informative and so very true! Nobody should pretend to be happy, it’s much easier to be yourself and speak up about how you are really feeling. Many people will know if you’re not okay as they’ll see it in your eyes, the window of the soul as they say.
I struggle with PTSD after a horrid and abusive experience sadly so I totally relate to keeping things open rather than in!
Laura xo
http://www.shehearts.net
This is such a wonderful post and reminder. <3 I hope you have the best weekend!
Aww, thank you so much, friend! Hope you had a wonderful weekend!!